(Pants)
It's an emergency! We have to evacuate!
What?
Hurry! Get your stuff and meet me downstairs!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
We're under attack.
This is what the disaster kit is for.
Hurry!
Okay! Okay.
The bras, mom. Dad.
I should've brought a drill!
Hurry! Go! Go! Go!
Where is our emergency rendezvous point?!
What is the mayor saying?!
Kidding. We're going to the Hamptons.
What?
Whoo!
(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ But I can tell you ♪
(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (Buzzer)
♪ Ba da da da da ba, ba da ba ♪
I thought we were under attack.
I flushed my diary down the toilet.
I knew you would've never agreed to come unless I tricked you.
You haven't even left the apartment in days.
You've just been waiting by the phone for some dumb guy you like to call you back.
I am waiting to hear back about a job interview at harkin financial.
The c.E.O. Is in town from London,
and I'm waiting to hear if he wants to meet with me.
Well, whoever it is, I hope you let them touch your boob.
Why are you wrapped in tinfoil?
Chloe, I can't go to the Hamptons with you this weekend.
My whole plan was to stare at my cell phone
and reread old report cards to calm my nerves.
June, that is the beauty of cell phones.
You can take them with you and stare at them anywhere.
James needs us.
He's so depressed from his flameout on "dancing with the stars,"
not to mention being the butt of every Jimmy kimmel joke.
So we are taking him on a weekend bender.
I've never seen him like this.
He stopped googling himself.
Well, I guess I could go.
I'll have my cell phone with me the whole time,
and if I need to come back,
it's only a 2 hour drive.
Give or take.
Depending on whether or not Billy Joel's ass is on the road.
I've always wanted to go to
a real life Hamptons lighthouse,
in rainy weather, in a Fisherman's sweater,
on a bike, with a sandwich and my thoughts.
I almost just hit you. I almost just lost control and hit you.
Okay, so it's settled.
We'll get drunk on the drive up,
and then we'll stay at our crazy friend Katarina's house
and then we'll hit the Willoughby party.
The what?
The Willoughby party.
It's the best party of the year.
It's hosted by this mysterious guy named Willoughby.
I've never actually met him, but his parties are beyond.
(Woman) ♪ never, never, never ♪
♪ Am sorry for partying ♪
♪ I want to party but I won't say that ♪
♪ Baby, I'm never,
I'm never, I'm never... ♪
Whoo!
This is the year
I'm gonna meet Willoughby...
Well, it's always nice to meet the host.
And have sex with him.
Of course.
Yeah, you know, this year,
I was thinking, I really want to do something special,
you know, something that matters.
James is about to come down.
Don't treat him any differently,
but don't look directly at him.
Compliment his outfit,
but not too much, or he'll know.
(Footsteps approach)
They hate my hat.
That hat was given to you
by Mr. Jason mraz.
Let them hate it.
They lose.
(Bottles rattle)
He knew.
(Man) ♪ I feel alive right now ♪
♪ Put your hands in the sky right now ♪
Weekend bender! Whoo!
So where'd you get this car?
My cousin Edgar has a limo business,
and this is one of his party s.U.V.S.
I borrowed it so that Chloe would let me come to the Hamptons.
(Cell phone ringing) Oh, my gosh! It's from a 212 number that I don't recognize.
It's probably about my job interview.
Hello. This is June colburn.
Scrotum!
(Laughs) Funny, right?
That's an important call.
Sorry. That was from
a very immature passerby.
Whoo hoo!
Oh, hello, Debbie from Dr. Curtis' office.
Another 64 calorie, low carb beer.
(Horn honks, tires screech)
That's what my blinker's for, dumb ass!
(Clink) Whoo! Yahoo! Weekend bender!
(June) Bye, goats.
Did you guys see me milk that goat?
June, this is supposed to be a party drive.
When you said you wanted to milk a goat,
I thought you had to pee.
If I'm gonna do the Hamptons,
I am going to do the Hamptons right.
I made a list of everything I want to see and sample while we're here.
You're not supposed to have a list on a bender.
You're supposed to go where the moment takes you.
Now if "little house" "on the prairie" is done,
we can get on with it. Bender.
(Woman) ♪ yeah, yeah, I know I'm pretty ♪
♪ You can tell by my ♪
(June) Great peaches.
That farmer says that the barefoot contessa shops there every other Tuesday.
(Door closes) When I tell Katarina why we're late,
you just wait, ho. You just wait.
I need another beer.
(Turn signal clicking)
(Joss stone) ♪ I guess I'm picky with love ♪
(Singing distorts)
(Slo mo voice)
There's too many... many...
Is this my house?
(Scream echoes)
(Turn signal stops clicking) It's "dancing with"
"the stars" post traumatic stress disorder.
D.w.t.s.p.t.s.d.
Well, June, you ruined the drive up here
with your stupid fruit and vegetable parade,
but now the bender really begins.
What we need is a dose of crazy Katarina!
Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Ha! Ha!
Bitch!
Come on out, you bitch!
(Babies crying)
Oh, god. Oh, thank god you're here.
Take one.
This one's ass exploded.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! (Door slams)
(Static hisses) (Baby cries)
There will be no Willoughby party
for me this year, you guys.
I'm still dealing with my two... (Baby cries)
Souvenirs... (Gasps) Shh!
From last year's naked party.
Well, if I had known, I wouldn't have stayed here.
When you said you had new twins,
I thought you meant a boob job.
I need adult interaction.
I haven't showered in four days.
I'm a milk monster.
Look at my roots!
(Cell phone rings)
No! The babies!
Oh. Ooh.
It's a private caller.
Oh. This might be it. Hello?
Scrotum!
Oh. Hi, aunt Nancy.
You know, you really should stop
calling from a blocked number.
Do we go in or do we just wait out here?
What's the etiquette?
I love rocking chairs.
I have two in my apartment...
One in the living room
and one in the bathroom.
You wouldn't think it would
get much use in there, but it does.
Mm. (Chuckles)
It smells like poo in this house.
Well, why don't we just yell "cut"
and have them take the babies away? Cut.
Katarina, would you mind if I borrowed your bicycle?
I'd love to go bird watching.
Help yourself...
To the bike and anything else
I used to enjoy.
Yeah! Bender!
(Baby crying) No!
(Object thuds)
(Whispers) No.
Okay. So you're going to need this map,
binoculars, a whistle, sunscreen,
a mosquito netting...
I don't need mosquito netting.
I'm just going bird watching.
Ah. Okay. Um... (Under breath) West nile.
What?
Oh, nothing. Just asking
if you want to die.
June?
Mark! Hey!
What are you doing here?
Jennifer wanted a romantic weekend in the Hamptons
so we borrowed her parents' house.
We're sleeping in their bed.
It's not weird at all.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you waiting to hear about that job?
Oh, yeah, well, I have
my phone with me, so...
(Horn honks) You know.
Oh. I better hurry.
Jennifer doesn't like when I shop mom and pop.
She thinks the food gets dusty.
So see ya. (Horn honks)
Okay.
(Dog barks)
(Whines)
Great capris.
Excuse... me?
Look at me... a bow tie.
I'm full of regret and self loathing,
but you, you're so bold.
You're ahead of the curve.
Or I'm just wearing pajamas
and a sweater that I borrowed.
Presto. Instant success.
I'm Willoughby, currently of east Hampton.
Wait. You're Willoughby the party guy?
You're judging me, and it stings,
so keep doing it.
This is a riddle invitation
for my party tonight.
What do you think of the font?
You would've picked a different one.
How do you do it?
(Crow caws)
(Snoring)
I guess we're all just one
small hole in the condom away
from having our lives totally destroyed.
(Sighs)
Chloe, I got some pretty serious
soul searching to do.
I think I'm gonna have
to take this bender solo.
You gotta follow the bender.
I understand.
If you need me, I'll be trudging
down a quiet Hamptons road... Alone.
(Continues snoring)
Wake up, bitch.
(Birds chirping)
I just worry about your arches
in those shoes.
(Door opens and closes) Perfect.
So I just met Willoughby.
What?
Oh, my god!
A Willoughby riddle.
"On this day occurred a love massacre,"
"when the clock struck"
a manic gay actor
who does not like "to work subtle."
It's his new address or something.
(Gasps) The Valentine's day massacre was February 14th.
Everyone knows that.
I'm instantly picturing
a grandfather clock. Oh!
Who is that actor who I thought was claymation?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Nathan Lane!
Oh.
That's it! 214 grandfather Lane.
That's it. That's the address
of the party. We're so going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't. I have to get up super early.
I'm going to get, uh, scones at maude's.
They run out of the blue... My list!
(Spits) June, you have to go
where the bender takes you,
and I am telling you, your bender is
taking you to Willoughby's party,
where you will introduce me to Willoughby,
and I will meet him and I will bang him.
Well, what if my bender was taking me
to do a sunset tour of the cranberry bogs?
Ugh! You are the worst bender er ever.
You might as well have just stayed home
and stared at your phone
on the coffee table.
(Beep) No one's called since aunt Nancy.
Exactly. So relax.
Come on.
There is a fabulous party
with our names on it.
I'm sure you could borrow something to wear of Katarina's.
I know.
Something with a crotch.
Chloe asked me to look after James.
She deputized me...
With her eyes, not with her words.
(Horn honks)
Yeah! Pass me!
Look at you go!
You're an Asian American driving poorly,
and I'm an African American
sitting in the back of the bus,
both chasing
a distant white man. (High pitched squeak)
This is not why my mother
marched on Washington.
Oh, sweet freedom, where is James?
(Grunts)
Coffee guy?
What are you doing here?
Well, I heard a a high pitched squeak.
I thought a little girl was in trouble.
It was my girlfriend Jennifer.
She broke up with me again,
this time for good.
She thought I was gonna propose to her this weekend,
so she kept looking for an engagement ring
in everything I handed her.
She tore apart a pinecone
with her bare hands.
(Luther) James!
James!
I see you're on a bender.
I, too, am trying to drink my pain away.
I thought I wanted to do the lonely bender,
but the quiet just makes it worse.
(Luther) James!
My lonely road has brought me to you.
I think we're supposed to be
bender buddies.
(Clink)
(Luther, singsongy) I have cookies!
(Blows nose)
Excuse me. Pollen.
(Woman) ♪ oh ♪
God, put that pie away.
What is the matter with you?
It's my host gift.
Every time you try
to slap it out of my hands, it only makes me grip it harder.
Okay, where's Willoughby?
I want to find him
and sex him and then have a Martini.
Oh, I just had one of those moments
where I realize what a great girl I am.
Wow! This house is amazing!
And I love this dress of Katarina's.
It's tight, but I get it.
It even has a cool phone pocket.
Oh, my god!
Katarina's pill pocket!
A lot of good times in that pocket.
A lot of memories.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
There's no bars.
There's no signal.
Katarina should've used that pocket
for some birth control pills.
Ha ha ha ha! That's hilarious!
I'm gonna text her that right now.
(Indistinct conversations (in distance)
Boo.
Willoughby.
'Tis I, June.
'Tis Willoughby.
What are you doing up here?
I actually hate parties.
I just like to find a dark corner
and watch all the puppets dance from afar.
Is that a pie?
Oh. Yes!
This is for you.
You know how many people have been to my parties
over the years?
5,342.
You wanna know how I know that?
It's this antique clicker.
(Click)
You know how many people have ever brought me a pie?
Zero.
Go downstairs and get us two pastry forks.
I've got something important I need to say.
(Dance music playing)
Excuse me. Can I have
your attention, please?
(Raises voice) Excuse me!
(Normal voice) Excuse me.
(Plays notes) Zing!
I... am Willoughby!
(Guests gasp)
Bernard, what the hell are you doing?!
You're not Willoughby!
Chloe, what are you talking about?
That is Willoughby.
No, that's Bernard, my husband.
(Guests murmur)
(Door slams)
What do you mean he's your husband?
I mean he's my husband.
We got married
at a wedding party when I first moved to New York.
Ha ha! This party is awesome!
People are getting married upstairs.
We should totally get married.
Oh, my god! I thought you were gay! Okay!
(Cheering)
I met him that night and I haven't seen him since.
Honestly, I thought he was dead.
I saw some news report
about a skinny guy who got hit by a garbage truck,
and I figured, welp, I'm a widow now.
Hello, wife.
(Chloe scoffs)
I still think of you daily.
Bernard, what the hell are you doing?
You're not Willoughby.
I thought Willoughby was
a Cosmopolitan man of mystery.
It's just you?
Exactly. Just me, Bernard koppelman,
a former fat teenager
who still swims with his t shirt on.
Thank you, June, for exploding
this prison of my own creation.
I I have a a a lot of questions,
but right now, I was gonna ask you, may I borrow your laptop?
I need to access my voicemail over the Internet.
Yeah, I don't have a computer.
They're disgusting.
But I do have a vintage typewriter collection
in case you want to compose a sonnet.
(Cries)
(Basketball thuds)
Okay.
Oh! You got the sunglasses. That's a foul.
My bad. I... Steal.
(Bottles clatter)
"Dancing with the stars" is haunting me.
You see, I practiced,
I was... I was... I was... Ready.
I didn't get a chance to do it.
You know what you have?
You have performance squelchings, brother.
I mean, you're trapped
in a bag with memory cats.
You gotta punch your way out of it.
I had a... I had a chance to dazzle,
you know, and... It got taken away from me.
Who cares, man?
Make your own opportunity, James.
You want to dance, then dance.
We just gotta find you a floor.
Ow! Dude!
Chloe just texted me Willoughby's address.
Willoughby has a floor.
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoa!
So close.
(Dance music playing)
I went up on the roof with Willoughby
and got a signal. No messages.
Also, he said that
your marriage wasn't legal.
The priest was some club kid named stinklord
who had a tattoo of a cross on his neck.
(Ice rattles)
Is everything okay?
Willoughby was one of the last
new experiences I had left,
and it turns out I married him
six years ago.
There are no new mountains to climb, June.
I've seen it all.
(Sighs deeply)
Except maybe this.
(Joss stone's "put your hands"
("on me baby" playing)
♪ I guess I'm picky with love ♪
♪ Well, baby, I give up,
it's you I choose ♪
♪ And don't keep me waiting ♪
♪ This girl's got things she needs to do ♪
♪ Oh, if I was blind ♪
♪ You'd help me see ♪
♪ Me see ♪
Whoo hoo! ♪ If I lost my mind... ♪
Uhh!
Yeah! You did it, brah!
I did it, brah.
Where's Chloe? Did she see my dance?
Yeah.
She's right over there.
Chloe?
(June) Poor thing.
Where does she go from here?
I mean, when the party girl
has been to every party,
what's next for her?
Good lord, June, you're,
like, obsessed with her.
Where is she going?
She shouldn't be alone.
(James) Leave her be, June.
No! She needs her friends.
(Brakes squeal)
Chloe!
It's okay!
Hi. I'm having sex.
Give me 15 minutes.
(Man grunts) (Door slams)
(Chloe giggles)
Hi!
Chloe, what... what are you doing?
Oh, every year when I'm in the Hamptons,
I have sex in the bushes with Lenny kravitz.
He texted me earlier.
I don't know why you keep complaining
about your cell phone service,
'cause mine's fine.
So you're okay with all of this?
Well, when I was having sex
with Lenny, I was thinking,
I've had sex with him
for five years in a row,
and it's still great.
Just because I've done it before
doesn't mean it's not awesome.
(Laughs)
She's a party girl, June.
We lost a lot of good
party girls along the way.
We're not gonna lose this one.
Aah! Don't get all
sentimental on me, James.
Pull yourself together. You want to show me you care,
buy me an island. (Cell phone alert chimes)
What's that noise?
(Chime) Oh, that is a voicemail noise.
That is a voicemail noise.
(Keypad beeps)
Oh, no!
It's harkin financial.
They want me to come in for a job interview
first thing tomorrow morning!
Robin, will you take June back to the city?
Deputized!
Wait. Really?
You're okay with me leaving? (Car door opens and closes)
Interrupting the bender? (Engine starts)
You gotta go where the bender takes you, June.
If this is where your bender is
taking you, then so be it.
This job interview is your
Lenny kravitz. Now go bang it.
(Chuckles)
Aah! You people hold yourself together.
It's not like I'm dying of leukemia.
(Slurred voice) One day,
I'm gonna tell June that she's amazing
and pretty and I want to touch her hair
and I want to kiss her on her tongue doors.
You mean her mouth?
Oh, yeah.
I couldn't think of the word.
Make your own opportunity.
You tell June how you feel.
I'm gonna write a movie
that I direct and star in.
Let's do it!
Yeah! Future is now!
Now!
(Clink)
(James and Mark gulping)
Mm.
(Birds chirping)
(Snoring)
(Toy rattles)
Oh! (Rabbit squeaks)
Ohh.
What the hell?
How do you look so fresh?
I'm a celebrity.
Oh, no. Did I say anything to June last night?
Oh, yeah. (Laughs)
You said a lot of things to June last night.
I could eat, like, eight string cheeses in a row.
You ever seen that movie "rat race"?
It's like this side of my face but then this side of my face... Toenails.
Ugh.
I wrote the script last night.
What?
"Dancing with the stars" is
the greatest thing to ever happen to me
because it forced me to make my own opportunities.
I'm gonna make this movie.
It's called "fingered."
It's a cop drama. Luther read it, said it's amazing.
(Luther) It's amazing.
Now don't wash it till Thursday
and don't blow dry it on high ever...
Ever again.
Bless you. (Giggles)
Before we leave, I want to steal one of p. Diddy's white lawn jockeys.
I do it every year. It's tons of fun. (Door opens and closes)
Good afternoon, all.
Say hello to harkin financial's newest junior analyst.
I got the job!
Whoo! Yeah!
(Robin) Yay! Congratulations, June!
And I got the car washed.
(Under breath) Congratulations, Robin.
(Normal voice) Yay!
Yay. (Chuckles)
So why did you come back?
I wanted to celebrate with my friends,
and I brought everybody scones
from maude's.
Ooh! Delish!
That'll go perfectly with my Kahlua and cream.
Ooh!
I made it from Katarina's breast milk.
It's super smooth.
You just drank milk made from boobies.